i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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