is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
