Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
