I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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