Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm at about main and main street
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
