No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I looked at my own cervix.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
