Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
