Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
