I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
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Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
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My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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