i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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