so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
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