Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
