remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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