He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
honey bunches of taint.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
