Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
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