I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
