Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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