I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
