is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
