he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
