I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
