I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
