i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
she told me i tasted like america
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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