Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
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I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
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