Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
