oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
