Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
