I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
