what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
