I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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