hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
