I skipped work to stalk him.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
