So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Randomize
