It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
