just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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