This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
