plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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