Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
