she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
