You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
