Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
