if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Randomize
