I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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