Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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