ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I will pee on everything he values.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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