Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
