Moan for me like Helen Keller
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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