Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
