He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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