I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
