Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
