Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
