Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
