you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
