I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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