Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My penis needs a shock collar
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
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