Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
