go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed