I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
