im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
