she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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